It is hard for anyone to understand what God's plans for our lives are. I don't understand the path God laid out for me. Death is so permanent. It is never easy to say goodbye. In my despair however, God has been so faithful throughout it all; He truly is big enough! He has stepped right beside me and picked me up when I swore I couldn't take another step. I am not saying God has been unfaithful, because that is not true. My heart is just hurting today, deeper than it has in quite a while. Jeremiah 29:11 keeps running through my mind. If God's plan is to "prosper me, not to harm me" I am having a hard time understanding where my mother's death fits into that plan. It’s funny because I was just talking about this with a friend last night. I don’t think I will ever come to a point where I will say “Thank you for this Lord” however, I can see where God has shown up and for that I am thankful. I’m also amazed how one thing can trigger this feeling within me. It started with an email today; a simple email. It wasn’t any new information, nothing that I hadn’t heard before; but when I read it, I wanted to talk with my momma, get her opinion, hear her voice, and know her heart. I actually got a little excited at first. Then I realized that wasn’t an option; it hasn’t been an option for a while. I wonder if the longing to talk to her will ever go away. My heart really hurt when I came to the realization; the truth of my life.
God's timing is perfect and His will is best...it is hard for me in my human mind frame to see that however. Today I cling to these words from the Psalms:
“What joy for those whose strength comes from the Lord,
When they walk through the Valley of Weeping,
The autumn rains will clothe it with blessings.
May the God of peace and love continue to amaze and surprise you...