Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Dancing With The Angels

It is amazing to me how life works. Six years ago this May life forever changed (I can’t believe it’s almost been 6 years); and since that day it really has been a day to day event. I can be ok with life situations one day, and wake up totally distraught the next day. I am having a rough day today. I really, really miss my momma today. I haven't felt this way for a while now, but today has almost been too much for me. I haven't cried this much since she died. My heart is really hurting.

It is hard for anyone to understand what God's plans for our lives are. I don't understand the path God laid out for me. Death is so permanent. It is never easy to say goodbye. In my despair however, God has been so faithful throughout it all; He truly is big enough! He has stepped right beside me and picked me up when I swore I couldn't take another step. I am not saying God has been unfaithful, because that is not true. My heart is just hurting today, deeper than it has in quite a while. Jeremiah 29:11 keeps running through my mind. If God's plan is to "prosper me, not to harm me" I am having a hard time understanding where my mother's death fits into that plan. It’s funny because I was just talking about this with a friend last night. I don’t think I will ever come to a point where I will say “Thank you for this Lord” however, I can see where God has shown up and for that I am thankful. I’m also amazed how one thing can trigger this feeling within me. It started with an email today; a simple email. It wasn’t any new information, nothing that I hadn’t heard before; but when I read it, I wanted to talk with my momma, get her opinion, hear her voice, and know her heart. I actually got a little excited at first. Then I realized that wasn’t an option; it hasn’t been an option for a while. I wonder if the longing to talk to her will ever go away. My heart really hurt when I came to the realization; the truth of my life.

God's timing is perfect and His will is best...it is hard for me in my human mind frame to see that however. Today I cling to these words from the Psalms:

“What joy for those whose strength comes from the Lord,
who have set their minds on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem.
When they walk through the Valley of Weeping,
it will become a place of refreshing springs.
The autumn rains will clothe it with blessings.
They will continue to grow stronger,
and each of them will appear before God in Jerusalem...
A single day in your courts is better than a thousand anywhere else!
I would rather be a gatekeeper in the house of my God
than live the good life in the homes of the wicked.
For the Lord God is our sun and our shield.
He gives us grace and glory.
The Lord will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right.
O Lord of Heaven’s Armies,
what joy for those who trust in you”

May the God of peace and love continue to amaze and surprise you...