Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Questions

So many times I find myself realizing I am full of questions. Today was one of those days. Why doesn't God ever answer me? Why is my life on hold? Why did my plans go kaput? Why? Why? Why? When I sit back and look at this, one resounding thought enters my mind...Why do I question things?...which in itself is a question, ha! I've come to the realization over past few months that I am eager, no, narrow-minded, no, selfish, yes, selfish! I want things my way, because I know what is best for me. I like to have control. I have learned to be independent. I can do it on my own, I don't need help. But I can't, and I do...

I find I can answer a lot of my "life questions" when I look at them through selfless eyes, with my "Jesus goggles" on:

"Why doesn't God answer me?" Why am I not seeking after him?

"Why is my life on hold?" Who am I really living for?

"Why did my plans go kaput?" Whose plans am I truly following?

Growing up I always wanted God to answer my prayers audibly and immediately. I guess my insecurities wanted a loud booming voice. I want to know I made the right decision. I don't want to go unless I am told. But is that what God really wants? Does He want me sitting on my couch until I hear the audible "GO!" from Him. I can't say yes to that. God has been showing me lately that I need to go, listen for His still quiet voice, chase after Him, and in doing so He will meet me, hold me, show me, love me through my life. Don't you think God just wants us to take that leap of faith? I do! In taking that leap of faith I believe that is where God will catch us, and in catching us He will open our eyes to a life we never imagined, never dreamed.

That is a hard lesson to learn. I feel like such a failure at times, and maybe because I am. However, in spite of my lack of faith (I probably have been taking "bunny hops" instead of leaps) He draws me to Himself. He loves me despite my failure. Even though all I can offer is filthy, disgusting, putrid rags, He still gently calls me by name. By my name! But do I love Him? Do I truly love Him enough to let go of what I hold onto so dearly? "Each of us must answer and respond to His teaching in different ways--some by living close to family, some by living far away." (Heald, 133) So I took the leap. I am chasing the dream of teaching and I will follow where the Spirit leads. I have to. I am excited, scared, eager, enthusiastic, hopeful to see what plans God does have for me. And even if I fall flat on my face and the door is shut in my face a million times I know He will bless me! He has so many times before :)

It's scary to not be in control. I won't lie, I don't like it. But how many times have I done it on my own, only to fall flat and have God pick up the pieces? I am thankful for a Savior who love me regardless of what I cannot bring to the tables. And if He has already offered me His life, why in turn, can I not fully offer Him mine?

*Cynthia Heald. Dwelling in His Presence: 30 Days of Intimacy with God. (Colorado Springs, CO: NavPress 2009), 133

Monday, March 15, 2010

While I'm Waiting

I've decided to join the frenzy and start my very own blog. Mainly I'm doing this so I can remember what God is teaching me and what God is showing me. You see, if you know me, you know one thing...my memory is horrid! I forget where God has taken me from and what He has shown me through. Which is silly! He has done so much for my life and I shouldn't forget that. Yeah, I remember the big stuff, He died for my sins, He loves me; but the day to day things, the "do you trust me" questions slip my mind like they are not important. They are though!

God has been asking me lately if I trust Him. Do I love Him enough to leave the life I thought I wanted behind and follow Him into a life I can't get enough of. So I've applied for teaching jobs nearly all over the great state of Texas. I'm excited to see what and where God has for me. Although I don't know what the future holds I do know that chasing the Wild Goose will be anything but boring!