Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Dancing With The Angels

It is amazing to me how life works. Six years ago this May life forever changed (I can’t believe it’s almost been 6 years); and since that day it really has been a day to day event. I can be ok with life situations one day, and wake up totally distraught the next day. I am having a rough day today. I really, really miss my momma today. I haven't felt this way for a while now, but today has almost been too much for me. I haven't cried this much since she died. My heart is really hurting.

It is hard for anyone to understand what God's plans for our lives are. I don't understand the path God laid out for me. Death is so permanent. It is never easy to say goodbye. In my despair however, God has been so faithful throughout it all; He truly is big enough! He has stepped right beside me and picked me up when I swore I couldn't take another step. I am not saying God has been unfaithful, because that is not true. My heart is just hurting today, deeper than it has in quite a while. Jeremiah 29:11 keeps running through my mind. If God's plan is to "prosper me, not to harm me" I am having a hard time understanding where my mother's death fits into that plan. It’s funny because I was just talking about this with a friend last night. I don’t think I will ever come to a point where I will say “Thank you for this Lord” however, I can see where God has shown up and for that I am thankful. I’m also amazed how one thing can trigger this feeling within me. It started with an email today; a simple email. It wasn’t any new information, nothing that I hadn’t heard before; but when I read it, I wanted to talk with my momma, get her opinion, hear her voice, and know her heart. I actually got a little excited at first. Then I realized that wasn’t an option; it hasn’t been an option for a while. I wonder if the longing to talk to her will ever go away. My heart really hurt when I came to the realization; the truth of my life.

God's timing is perfect and His will is best...it is hard for me in my human mind frame to see that however. Today I cling to these words from the Psalms:

“What joy for those whose strength comes from the Lord,
who have set their minds on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem.
When they walk through the Valley of Weeping,
it will become a place of refreshing springs.
The autumn rains will clothe it with blessings.
They will continue to grow stronger,
and each of them will appear before God in Jerusalem...
A single day in your courts is better than a thousand anywhere else!
I would rather be a gatekeeper in the house of my God
than live the good life in the homes of the wicked.
For the Lord God is our sun and our shield.
He gives us grace and glory.
The Lord will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right.
O Lord of Heaven’s Armies,
what joy for those who trust in you”

May the God of peace and love continue to amaze and surprise you...

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Questions

So many times I find myself realizing I am full of questions. Today was one of those days. Why doesn't God ever answer me? Why is my life on hold? Why did my plans go kaput? Why? Why? Why? When I sit back and look at this, one resounding thought enters my mind...Why do I question things?...which in itself is a question, ha! I've come to the realization over past few months that I am eager, no, narrow-minded, no, selfish, yes, selfish! I want things my way, because I know what is best for me. I like to have control. I have learned to be independent. I can do it on my own, I don't need help. But I can't, and I do...

I find I can answer a lot of my "life questions" when I look at them through selfless eyes, with my "Jesus goggles" on:

"Why doesn't God answer me?" Why am I not seeking after him?

"Why is my life on hold?" Who am I really living for?

"Why did my plans go kaput?" Whose plans am I truly following?

Growing up I always wanted God to answer my prayers audibly and immediately. I guess my insecurities wanted a loud booming voice. I want to know I made the right decision. I don't want to go unless I am told. But is that what God really wants? Does He want me sitting on my couch until I hear the audible "GO!" from Him. I can't say yes to that. God has been showing me lately that I need to go, listen for His still quiet voice, chase after Him, and in doing so He will meet me, hold me, show me, love me through my life. Don't you think God just wants us to take that leap of faith? I do! In taking that leap of faith I believe that is where God will catch us, and in catching us He will open our eyes to a life we never imagined, never dreamed.

That is a hard lesson to learn. I feel like such a failure at times, and maybe because I am. However, in spite of my lack of faith (I probably have been taking "bunny hops" instead of leaps) He draws me to Himself. He loves me despite my failure. Even though all I can offer is filthy, disgusting, putrid rags, He still gently calls me by name. By my name! But do I love Him? Do I truly love Him enough to let go of what I hold onto so dearly? "Each of us must answer and respond to His teaching in different ways--some by living close to family, some by living far away." (Heald, 133) So I took the leap. I am chasing the dream of teaching and I will follow where the Spirit leads. I have to. I am excited, scared, eager, enthusiastic, hopeful to see what plans God does have for me. And even if I fall flat on my face and the door is shut in my face a million times I know He will bless me! He has so many times before :)

It's scary to not be in control. I won't lie, I don't like it. But how many times have I done it on my own, only to fall flat and have God pick up the pieces? I am thankful for a Savior who love me regardless of what I cannot bring to the tables. And if He has already offered me His life, why in turn, can I not fully offer Him mine?

*Cynthia Heald. Dwelling in His Presence: 30 Days of Intimacy with God. (Colorado Springs, CO: NavPress 2009), 133

Monday, March 15, 2010

While I'm Waiting

I've decided to join the frenzy and start my very own blog. Mainly I'm doing this so I can remember what God is teaching me and what God is showing me. You see, if you know me, you know one thing...my memory is horrid! I forget where God has taken me from and what He has shown me through. Which is silly! He has done so much for my life and I shouldn't forget that. Yeah, I remember the big stuff, He died for my sins, He loves me; but the day to day things, the "do you trust me" questions slip my mind like they are not important. They are though!

God has been asking me lately if I trust Him. Do I love Him enough to leave the life I thought I wanted behind and follow Him into a life I can't get enough of. So I've applied for teaching jobs nearly all over the great state of Texas. I'm excited to see what and where God has for me. Although I don't know what the future holds I do know that chasing the Wild Goose will be anything but boring!